Do you ever find that youve become so accustomed to the way you live your life, or the choices you make each day, that you completely forget where those decisions even came from?
Well. I just totally had one of those moments where I felt the blood rushing hard through my veins, my heart pounding fast with the sting of forgotten pain. And suddenly I remembered. Theres such a big reason I choose HAPPY with every breath. Theres a reason I celebrate even the smallest joys, why I always make so many plans, and why I stay busy, busy, busy. Theres a reason that I choose to live my life positively and full of color why I am committed to being myself no matter what anyone says. Theres a reason why I choose kindness over hate. Theres a reason I choose HAPPY. There’s a huge reason.
That reason is, unequivocally, my past.
It almost feels weird. Im at a place in my life where I just feel good maybe not every second of every day, but in an overwhelming majority of moments I just feel fucking great. Woooo just fucking great. And it never gets old. Closing my eyes and soaking in that pure feeling of HAPPY is sometimes all I need to feel even happier, because I never truly forget, whether consciously or unconsciously, what it’s like to be on the other side.
Ive done the work. Ive been through the therapy. Ive tackled the ugly stuff. I’ve matured. I’ve wised up. Ive learned to love myself fiercely. Ive learned to let go faster. I’ve learned not to wait for others to provide me with HAPPY. I’ve learned to find it in the simplest of things instead of waiting for the earth to move to crack a smile. Ive just learned, man. Im not lost or confused. I know exactly who I am, and with the exception of a few things I cant control, when I really want something, I know exactly how to go out and get it and nothing short of Jesus himself can stop me. I might not have everything I want by a long shot, but I have everything I need and more. I am HAPPY, and most importantly, I am grateful all-the-time.
But let me tell you. HAPPY didn’t just fall out of the sky one day and slap me in the face. I chose it. I am dedicated to it. I practice it. I insist on it. It’s something I pay close attention to on a daily basis – something I nurture, because to me, it’s the only way I believe in living. And when I have my slips, I fight. I kick and I scream, and I fight. Until I get my HAPPY back again, I fight.
Growing up, there was a lot of lacking – lacking of HAPPY, lacking of celebration, lacking of encouragement, lacking of positivity – of exposure, of control, of freedom. I lacked financially and emotionally. I lacked mentors and options. I lacked in possibility. I lacked warmth. I lacked joy. Everything was hard, negative and dark. Everything was a reason to fight or punch a hole in a wall a reason to be scared, a reason to be closed. Holidays were quiet and sad. There was very little celebration. There was little to break up the monotony, little flexibility, little to speak of dreaming. Instead there was fear, and NO, and impossibility thinking. And even into my early to mid 20s, I suffered from some pretty terrible bouts of depression and anxiety to boot.
So yes, I am corny as all heck I know it. I celebrate like nobodys business. Im always running from here to there to here. Im loud and colorful and boisterous. I feel everything. I savor everything. I live everything. I say everything. Im obsessed with positivity, with light, with love. I live inspired, and Im always on that motivation tip. As much and as often as possible, I choose HAPPY.
But its not because Im a diva, or I think Im more amazing or deserving than anyone else. Its not because Im cray cray or obnoxious or spoiled, or anything of the sort. Its because, a long time ago, I made a choice. I was going to leave all that ugly, negative shit behind. I was going to be different. I was going to do better. I was going to live with love and light, and BE love and light. I was going to celebrate. I was going to do me. I was going to LIVE. I was going to choose HAPPY.
And you know what? I wouldnt give up any of it not even the ugliness that came before the dawn. I wouldnt change a single thing. In fact, I am beyond grateful for all of it. Because suddenly it occurs to me – who knows where I’d be if things had been different?
Want to know more about choosing HAPPY? I’m all ears!
Sonia, Word Share Junkie